27th July, 1920
Finale

My dearest little mouse!

Today I have to write to you, however bad the distraction be. This afternoon at 5 o'clock we saw from far away the English coast! Europe!! I had almost despaired of ever reaching it again and now I am here. I will not waste time describing to you my journey through Canada and my stay in Quebec, I shall be with you soon and can tell you all by mouth.

What shall I try to write about is what I feel today, what goes through my mind and soul. Now it is Tuesday evening and on Thursday at noon we are supposed to arrive in Cuxhafen. How long the journey from there will take - through Germany, then the transport across my home land, the final release - that I do not know but it will not be more than 8 - 10 days and then, then my dearest, I will hold you in my arms. My starved but well schooled fantasy is depicting this moment in hundred variations. I do not want to admit it to myself but I feel it against my will: I am frightfully excited, restless and yet so joyfully moved.

I am returning to my little wife, to my bride. All my thoughts, all my feelings fly to you, and when in my mind I see myself in your midst I feel like laughing and crying. The children! God how I look forward to being with them! Will they find their way to me I wonder? Oh, I am afraid I will squash them in the first storm of emotions. Of Kurti I think almost with trepidation. A big boy will come out to welcome me. No, not come out, I cannot bear the thought that you would come out to meet me! The sacred moment of our reunion must not be desecrated by the gaping crowd. Within four walls I want to embrace you all for the first time, to hug and kiss you. I was strong enough to withstand the misery of the past six years, now I fear that I am too weak to be able to bear the happiness of the coming days.

My little mouse! I am coming! I believe these are the last lines I will write in this book before we meet again. I am coming and I can speak to you, I can tell you how infinitely fond I am of you, and I can hug and kiss you, not only in spirit as I still have to do today.

© The estate of Otto Feldmann: Monica Lanyado, Tzafrah Shushan and Aya Shochat